when i heard this on a video (google for Christopher Yuan’s testimony video) i saw this afternoon, i was stunned. well not “stunned-stunned”, but it did hit home for me. 

since coming back from holiday, and before that having to deal with more transitions on top of already-happening ones, i’ve been feeling odd. just distant from everything i guess, or maybe i am just not into the loop of things yet, having taken quite a long break. i don’t know.

good thing though, it got me thinking. why isn’t my faith vibrant and alive? at least i won’t describe it so. i took just a little peek at my own life recently, and i feel cluttered. a lot of stuff going on, and i just feel distracted. yes, i believe distracted is the word. thank God for retreat tomorrow. time to re-group, re-focus, re-adjust. time for change and transformations in my life in light of some recent commitments i have made to the Lord and to myself.

if you read this, please pray for me. 

i long for a renewed mind, a refreshed perspective and a recharged life!

it is essentially about how a teenaged boy died in the hands of another boy because of a gang initiation. due to this tragedy, the boy’s “perfect” family started to fall apart as his father started to seek revenge. of course, it is one man against a gang of ruthless people. it started out that the father “successfully” avenged the death of his son by shooting dead the perpetrator, but the guy turns out to be the brother of the gang leader, and this just led to revenge from both sides. essentially, a lot of violence, gunshots, death, etc came into the picture. 

as i watched the movie, something came over me and i started to cry. i believe it is the Holy Spirit in me grieving. even though it was just a movie, but i believe this type of situation is very prevalent in other parts of the world though probably not so, locally. it is sad to see anger consuming us, to see how we can be so consumed in rage and vengeance. there is distrust in God to be the final judge.

and as i looked at my own life, though it is not as “dramatic”, i see glimpses of myself in the movie. well, a mellower version. but still, something i need to ask myself is whether or not i see God as the final judge. do i believe that God will bring justice at the very end?

something else asked in class recently that got me thinking a little. we talk so much about God’s love and grace, but have we become forgetful and not mindful of His judgements? have we taken God’s love and grace and mercy to us for granted?

but i am glad. i am glad that i seem to be more aware of myself these days. even though sometimes the inertia to do something about these cracks is great, and most of the time i fail at overcoming it, but i am glad that whenever these happen, i seem to be able to ‘process’ them more effectively. at least i think so, and i sure hope so.

it hasn’t been easy trying to bounce back from summit, but i do give thanks that ministry has closed for now until the school term starts. not that there isn’t anything to do, but it’s not so hectic. it’s good time for me to bounce back, for me to learn to cope with the fast paced world of being a STINTer still undergoing training, for me to learn to switch modes between a heightened, fast state to a mellowed down, reflecting state.

there just seems to be more, more than i thought and expected. wow. at one point, i think “can i really handle that?”, and at the back of my head, a voice tells me to wait and expect even more, of the Lord, who is Almighty and above all things. so many changes. transition really isn’t easy at all.

as for myself, i have A LOT of work to catch up on. staff summit was really a huge break for me, and i totally enjoyed not having to think about SOLEAD, support raising, checkouts, etc. now that i am back, i have to face the consequences. falling sick before and after the summit is indeed no joke! >.<

and i’ve now also got to go full steam ahead for my newsletter, which i am in fact a month behind. if you are my supporter and you are reading this, i am so sorry! i guess the only ‘consolation’ is that it is going to be my first ever Christmas-edition. i think i will enjoy working on the design and sharing what’s going on in more detail. i guess this could be God’s way of letting me ‘chill’ in the midst of all the hectic work going on. as i think back and recount my blessings, i pray my december newsletter will bless your heart and bring a smile onto your face when you recount your blessings as well. =)

on the other hand, i am thinking this is just the consequence of getting myself so tired the past 2 weeks, with the lack of sleep and all. perhaps sleeping sufficiently tonight will do the work. anyway, please pray!

it’s tuesday. csm day. usually csm would start at 9, so first good news of the day – we start at 10! yay!

next ‘good’ news of the day – we don’t have staff team meeting, so i could use the time to study for my next checkout.

so csm started and we first watched a video on Jesus and how he picked the disciples, and what discipleship means. it was mind blowing for me, personally because i saw the phrase “I chose you” in a whole new light. what the video put across is that by choosing us, Jesus showed that he believes in us, even though we may not have the highest form of education, even though we may not have the highest level of skills, etc. it was just a truth which i never saw in that perspective before. and i am thankful i finally know this now.

next was my mugging session – my first step to being serious about my checkouts. i am not sure if i am entirely correct, but i believe in my heart that God is trying to teach me to be serious about my work, to not slack anymore, to put in due effort. not that i accomplished a lot, but yay! because i think it was a good start. =)

then comes dinner min. it was a good time of fun and catching up with crusaders from my dearest medsci ministry! i was also very touched by the time of prayer where even the seniors were prayed for! i could really sense the love, care and concern for me. =) and through that, i sensed God’s love for me as well for sending so many siblings-in-Christ to be ‘there’ for me, to care so much for me. and perhaps, just perhaps, God may also be starting to answer another prayer of mine which i’ll share more in due time. =)

finally, lindy called! i’m going to add a new person onto my mailing list! =) and yep, with someone such as me, God has to be really creative and He has been creative. this is one of many.

All of my life, In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

i feel like i’ve been getting a lot of things wrong lately. i don’t really know. i guess no one can give me a sure answer. our choices could be right and right, but is there such a thing as one which is ‘more right’?

my thoughts are running incoherent again. pardon me.

i came across the song below, by one of my favourite taiwanese bands – mayday. i guess it somewhat spells out the knots in my heart now. i’m grappling with different definitions of the things i see around me. i’m questioning a lot of things, i think. basically just really knotted. i hope it will get untied soon.

人 群中 哭著 你只想變成透明的顏色
你再也不會夢 或痛 或心動了
你已經決定了 你已經決定了

你 靜靜 忍著 緊緊把昨天在拳心握著
而回憶越是甜 就是 越傷人了
越是在 手心留下 密密麻麻 深深淺淺 的刀割

你不是真正的快樂 你的笑只是你穿的保護色
你決定不恨了 也決定不愛了
把你的靈魂關在永遠鎖上的軀殼

這 世界 笑了 於是妳合群的一起笑了
當生存是規則 不是 你的選擇
於是妳 含著眼淚 飄飄盪盪 跌跌撞撞 的走著

你不是真正的快樂 你的笑只是你穿的保護色
你決定不恨了 也決定不愛了
把你的靈魂關在永遠鎖上的軀殼

你不是真正的快樂 你的傷從不肯完全的癒合
我站在你左側 卻像隔著銀河
難道就真的抱著遺憾一直到老了 然後才後悔著

你值得真正的快樂 你應該脫下你穿的保護色
為什麼失去了 還要被懲罰呢

能不能就让 悲伤全部
结束在此刻 重新开始活着

anyway, i never expected that i would get to use what i’ve learnt in a direct way, but today, i did.

i’ve been praying  and hoping for ‘openings’ for support, and when i approached someone today online, i found out a saddening truth that this brother has turned his back away from God. i feel sad for him and i used what i learnt in class to try to get him thinking for himself. i do pray i steered him in the right direction and did my part in pointing him to Christ. i hope to meet up with him again, this time to discuss further and hopefully to clear some of his questions and doubts as well. please pray for this friend of mine, and please pray for me as well, for wisdom and words to speak in the event that i do meet him, or if i get to talk to him again – online or in person.

in recent news, support has been stagnant. but i think slowly, God is opening more doors, perhaps? i find it a struggle to figure the thin line between “trusting God and expecting big things from Him” and “expecting and getting my hopes dashed”. i really have no idea what to do. help someone? but still, i think through everything, through all the struggles, i think God has been slowly but surely working something within me. i cannot explain it, but i feel some changes …