my design

sometimes i really don’t like the way i am designed.

i really don’t understand how i work.

and this is why i am so sure i have a creator. and more than that, He is my Father in Heaven.

but the road to knowing Him is so tough. i wish i knew myself more. i wish others knew me more. then perhaps this load will be lighter, this journey easier. at the same time i also believe God gave me sufficiently to know Him. perhaps this is where knowing myself and allowing others to know me come in.

sigh.  i don’t know. this hour is not meant for thinking.

i just needed to type something.

blessed be Your Name

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I’m found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I’ll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun’s shining down on me
When the world’s ‘all as it should be’
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I’ll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

it’s been a few weeks of whirlwind within myself. a lot of emotions, a handful of gloom, and teaspoons of discouragement. still today, i felt something awake within me when i heard this song.

in the train home, i was contemplating what state my heart is in. i was wondering what my heart is believing in and trying to dig deeper into myself in a bid to find more. and i guess God’s response to all these searching is to look to Him. i am reminded of spiritual lessons i’ve been learning, but have forgotten to put into place – giving thanks in all circumstances, and taking joy in everything. i am reminded of Matt 6:33, the verse of this season, i believe. i’m been like many in the bible, forgetful towards God’s faithfulness and goodness. i’ve also been seeing God in a different light, a not so great light though the God i serve is far beyond great.

indeed, i want to learn to say “blessed be Your name” in all that i do, in all that i am given, in all that is taken away. learning to see God in a new light, a beyond-great light.

so if you read this, please pray for me to see God as who He is. please pray for the remainder of my supporters to respond as God leads them to, please pray that God will bring at least 20 more committed monthly supporters into my team. thank you. =)

>.<

i did something i shouldn’t have today. now i feel awful. i hope there won’t be any repercussions. >.<

messed up.

i went jogging again. for some reason, i just felt that i needed to get out of the house, i needed to get myself out of my brain and just not think for awhile. it was definitely a refreshing time of just getting out, enjoying the cool breeze and getting some fresh air – something which i don’t get too often since everyone’s air-conditioned some sort.

anyway, many things have been upon my heart and my mind recently. some of these are different people in my life. there’s also the usual support-raising, training, etc. but what really made me want to doodle anything in this space is because what i just saw and what i was reminded of.

i remember someone (i believe it’s one of my ‘teachers’ at training) mentioning how when we walk on the streets, we cannot really tell who’s a christian and who’s not. partly because of the way we dress now. we compromise in the name of ‘following trends’, ‘keeping updated’, at the same time neglecting what we should be doing as christians. this is not to say keeping yourself wrapped up tightly, or stay dressed in an old-fashioned way, but there are ways to be trendy and fashion-forward without putting ourselves in a trap.

that aside, there’s also how we behave, how we carry ourselves. sigh. i don’t really want to dwell on any further or think about it. i just pray that if you are reading this and you are a fellow sibling-in-Christ, then please, take some time to reflect and think about your words and actions. would God be pleased? (i am NOT implying i’m perfect, i’m inviting you to reflect along with me)

sigh. disappointment is such an emotion. i never thought it’s such a big thing for me, but i’m beginning to realise how i hate to be disappointed. not only that it brings out my ugly side, but it also weighs upon my heart in a different sort of heavy way.

Lord, how did things become this way? help us all desire total change which comes from You.

Protected: D

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

keep the faith

it isn’t easy to be faithful. just some assignments + lazy me = chaos.

i have not been keeping up with my own support targets of at least 5 per day. =X

it’s not a good feeling seeing the figures stagnant. yet somehow in the depths of my heart, i just know it will all come in. i guess i just need to ‘re-wire’ myself, just morph into a superhero of some sort, where i am able to just deal with everything like a normal effective person (yes, i am NOT a normal effective person).

to be faithful (plus disciplined and the works). that’s what i need to work on. がんばれ！

i jogged

it’s weird how i suddenly had the urge to jog this evening. it was even weirder how i actually responded to the urge and went to do it! i actually jogged! it’s been AGES. but it was a great feeling and amazing too because i thought i wouldn’t last 3 rounds, but i think i went to 4 or 5 (i didn’t count). i jogged for about 4 to 5 songs worth of time, which is a lot considering i haven’t put on my running shoes for that purpose in a long while. i think it’s God. i uttered a prayer to help me to persevere and i did. =)

anyhow, God is really good. He is slowly building my faith and slowly showing me that He can indeed provide and that He can indeed love me the way He loves others as well. you probably don’t know this, but something i’ve been unfortunately believing in is that God doesn’t do ‘big things/gifts’ for me. but He at last showed me that that is not true. =) i’m glad. but now, i think i know why God would rather do things in small ways for me. =)

God’s grace and provision

God is showing me how amazing He is. i’ve just started my “Matt 6:33 plan” recently, to really be committed to seeking Him first. and even as yesterday was only the first day of the plan, He has immediately done so much more for me. more than i can ever imagine.

i must admit it was a little bit of stress that overcame me, and that’s what caused me to be more eager in support-raising, in contacting more people. but the amazing thing is, apart from these i contacted, God caused someone to contact me on their own initiative. so my percentage’s no longer stagnant. in fact, it’s been increasing little by little.

the most amazing news i’ve gotten so far came in the form of a group of supporters whom i do not even know. apparently these are ministry supporters who received news about us in SOLEAD. and they gave enough to cover each and everyone of our training fees for the entire time we need to be trained. when i heard that, i really felt so touched, i wanted to cry! of course i didn’t. point is, God is really showing me He is my Jehovah Jireh, my provider, my everything, my every need. =)

thank you, Lord

stress

being in the office, around everyone, gives me somewhat a sense of stress every now and then. especially when people talk about my current most-feared and most-disliked topic – SUPPORT RAISING!

now i wish i can have 100% monthly on sunday! haha.

anyhow, as i was just thinking of people to contact, thinking of how much i could challenge, i just realised how i was still having my own set of expectations of each of my supporter. i suppose this isn’t a bad thing, because it will help me to gauge my support, but at the same time, i feel like i am overdoing it, such that i am maybe even lowering the expectations because of what i think their plans are and how it will interfere with their giving to the ministry. some how i had this sense within me that i should just let God do the convicting of hearts and not let my fears and worries take over. SIGH. i think it’s just the same problem over and over again.

please pray for me if you read this, that i will not be distracted, that i will really trust the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind, strength.

happy happy birthday to me

it seems like a trend lately, that my birthdays are spent over a span of a few days. i’m not complaining!

first was solead surprise one day before, then 3 celebrations the day itself, and just yesterday, about 4 days later, 2 more celebrations – one from my dear staff team and one by dear ‘o6ers. =)

i’m not very sure, but i want to believe that this is God’s encouragement and blessing for me even in this period of support-raising. it’s really disappointing at times and for weeks already, nothing else but support-raising has been on my mind. so, i’m glad for this short period where i can at least not think so much about that, but just occupy myself with other stuff.

=)

in other news, my heart has been occupied by a lot of things. i’m starting to feel like i’m a little distracted from my work, and just distracted in general. so if you are reading this, please pray for me ok? i think what i really don’t need now are distractions. also, i’ll need to lead a dg soon. kinda scary with more responsibility on top of support-raising. i’m understanding more and more what it means to be busy with training, ministry and support raising!